Single Child or More?

As a mother of a 6 year old boy, I always have people passing judgment on my choice to have only a single child. People say things like "your child needs a sibling", "didn’t you have a sibling as well, growing up?" or "how selfish of you to have an only one child, and he is going to be all alone when you are gone". With all these negative innuendos I often get ridden with guilt but my husband is on my side, trying to tell me the advantages of being an only child since he is one himself.

 It is true that I have a sibling of my own and as children, we didn’t need the company of other children, we would create our own games etc, and we also learned to share and handle conflict. But I can’t imagine sharing the love that I have for my boy with anyone else. I imagine myself being torn apart between the two and a worry looms in my head - would I be doing full justice to both the children, if I had two? 

I have examples of so many siblings who are now grown-up and married and have kids of their own and they have no love whatsoever for each other. I have often wondered if my son would have to bear the consequences of the choice that I have made, only to have one child. What if he questions me why I made this choice for him? Since the norm is to have two children I am often surrounded by moms discussing how their elder sibling is different from their younger one and it does feel quiet lonely because I have nothing to contribute in the conversation or that I love children so much I do desire to have another but yet I chose to have only one.

 Studies have shown that single children are no different from their counterparts who have siblings – they have the same IQs, same leadership skills, generosity, emotional maturity, contentment, peer popularity and flexibility. But single children seem to score higher on motivation to achieve, and on self- esteem. This has been attributed to the fact that parents tend to put all their energies and efforts towards one child and when you have two, which gets divided.

 But parents of single children need to be cautious that their only child may grow-up into a self-centered and spoilt brat, because of the parents' tendency to be over-indulgent towards their single child. Single children are known to be more socially outgoing as they are continually searching for companions outside their family. Siblings tend to be comfortable in their own company and are not looking to make new relationships with other kids immediately especially if the age difference is less.

There are many advantages of having more than one sibling as well- they are good companions for each other especially if the age difference isn’t much (i.e less than 4 years). They learn to share with each other whether it is material or even attention and also learn that they aren’t entitled to everything around them, they learn to be humble and grounded. They learn to handle conflict or being bullied by the other sibling which a single child is only exposed to only once he or she starts going to school. As a mother of a single child I have seen my son not wanting to share his toys as well as wanting undivided attention from his teachers at school. I have had to counsel and speak to him till he could come to terms with the concept of sharing with others.

Older and younger siblings seem to acquire a different myriad of characteristics. The order in which your child is born plus the parenting style governs the personalities they acquire. Your first born grows up being over monitored, always being the focus of attention, ‘by the book’ babies. Parents to first born babies are borderline neurotic, your kid sneezes you run to the pediatrician. First born children are leaders, parent pleasers, and achievers, controlling and cautious.

 With your second child you are more laidback and since your first born takes most of your attention your younger sibling doesn’t even try to please you, he becomes a people pleaser, somewhat rebellious, manipulative , peacemaker and thrives on friendships. The single child in the family who has no siblings to learn from and technically again the first born becomes a perfectionist, mature for their age and self centered.

 Now knowing all these traits and characteristics we can handle each child differently and help them handle their shortcomings and love them unconditionally. First borns need to be told we love them no matter what, in all situations. We need to give more time to younger siblings as well as they somehow get overshadowed by the elder sibling’s achievements. The only child needs to be taught how to share and feel less entitled and more humble.

There are couples who do make the decision of having more than two children also have a sword of judgment dangling over their head. They are often mocked and told whether they believe in family planning and the earth is already burdened with so many of us and we just depleting its resources slowly but surely.

 “So do we really want to add to that burden and subject children to  problems of global warming, diminished natural resources, pollution etc” they often quip. People will also go to the extent of telling you that’s everything so expensive these days from education to basic necessities, so is it really economically viable to have more than two children? Quite frankly, if you are the parent you should be given that discretion to decide on your family size without any input from others. You don’t have to justify why you had your third child or even fourth? I have heard mum’s say that the third happened by mistake or we wanted a girl after two boys. Mom’s you don’t owe anyone an explanation.                                                                         

For that matter there are married couples who choose not to have children at all, it may be finances or that they feel the world is just a can of worms, so why would anyone want to subject their offspring to this predicament? Or it could be that the woman doesn’t want to give up her career. Making a decision to have a child/ children is a big one. But apparently it is a societal norm. You get a job, get married and make babies. We are conditioned to follow this cycle of life and anything to the contrary raises many eyebrows. 

Choosing to have children is a big responsibility, there are various aspects that one has to take under consideration – whether you can financially support your child, are emotionally ready to take up the responsibility, whether the mother is ready to give her career a break, whether you like children at all. We need to realize that a lot of things change once a little being enters your life. 

Husband and wife can’t spend as much time with each other initially, your social life takes a dip, all conversation revolve around the baby, the parents are sleep deprived and exhausted, you need to budget and allocate your finances towards your baby and his future. And only if you are ready to do all of above with unconditional love should you have a baby. Don’t get bogged down by what people say. You are damned if you do or damned if you don’t.

Honestly I feel that no 'one size fits all' theory is applicable to families. One must do what suits your family and nobody should pass judgment on the number of children you should have or not. For some, the reason to have a single child may be financial or emotional or biological or a mix. I am not advocating that you should have only one child or more, but you should do what makes you happy. Single child or many or none, everybody should have the freedom to decide the size of their family and they don’t need to justify the choices they make.

I wish I had siblings to share my parents affection with….said no only child ever - anon