How to set a good example to your Child?

Most parents want that their child should excel in school, at sports, and in co-curricular activities etc. How much ever we may think that we shouldn’t rob our children of their childhood, we have this surreptitious way of vicariously living our dreams through our children. Even though we know deep down that we shouldn’t, but we still do. 

We have high expectations from our children and we keep challenging and pushing them but in the process they burn out, way before their time. We have adult standards for our children; we treat them like adults, putting unrealistic pressure on their shoulders. 

They feel that they deserve our love and affection only if they meet the standards set by us, whether it is getting straight A’s in all subjects or excelling in co-curricular activities. But in every classroom and home there could be a student who has an aptitude or flair for art and doesn’t need to excel in mathematics.

 We are always competing and comparing our children with others. But that is unfair. This way, we never truly get to know the true potential in childrens' own area of interest or what they are passionate about. A child who is great at mathematics and enjoys it immensely should be not be pushed to excel at a language or history if that is not what or she is interested in.

I have seen parents shouting at their kids if they don’t excel, criticize the child that it should be grateful that parents are spending so much money on extra classes and make the child feel bad as to why isn’t he/she performing. These children grow up to be under-confident and suffer from low self-esteem. They aren’t performing, because maybe it’s not their subject of interest. Every child is different and has different needs; they achieve milestones at their own pace. I really appreciate schools who give freedom to achieve competence in a field at child's own pace, because in education as well, there is no 'one size fits all'.

 Children aren’t clones of each other nor do we want them to be. Every child needs to find it's own core competencies and achieve excellence on it's own, whether there is success or failure. Let them make their own mistakes; we as parents are just a support function. We need to appreciate our children, let them know that the job was well done, tell them that they worked hard for it and the effort was great but sometimes we win and sometimes we lose, but it is alright. There is more to life than just exams, tests and co-curriculars. We need to stop judging our children and let them chose their own path and support them and love them unconditionally. At the end of the day we want our children to be happy.

Suicides are growing in numbers amongst adolescents. A common cause for concern is the pressure from parents to do well in the national board examinations, especially for Class XII, before finishing school. As scores in these exams often determine college admissions and subsequent employment opportunities, students aged 16-18 are often subjected to undue pressure at home to succeed. When they don't, suicide becomes a way out. In 2013 alone, 2,471 suicides country-wide were attributed to "failure in examination".

Children learn from example, so if you want them to be hard-working and dedicated, you need to show it by your own actions and not get exasperated by their mistakes. You never learn to walk until you fall. If you want your children to respect their elders, show them, don’t just tell them. Actions speak louder than constant nagging and banter. You want them to have qualities of being honest and having strong moral principles, so show them 'how' by setting an example. Children are highly observant and learn very quickly by example.

I remember seeing a video of this child and mother in China, who had just got help for their house and the mother was very nasty and rude to the help; the child learnt by example and did just that. She would be very rude to the helpers in the school. The mother was called to the principal’s office and reprimanded. It is only then that the mother realized what she was doing. We forget that our children are watching us all the time. Our children become a reflection of us. Babies are known to be more difficult to handle when they sense that their primary care-giver is stressed.

I noticed this with my four year old, when he started using the phrase “oh shit” and I would wonder where he was learning this phrase from, and then my husband made me realize that it was 'yours truly'. I decided to be more careful as to what I would henceforth say in front of my son. 

At school my son was learning about different occupations , so on this particular day they were learning about drivers and the importance of wearing a seat belt and following rules, so my son who is very out spoken decided to announce to the whole class that his father doesn’t wear a seat belt and puts a contraption in the seat belt holder so that it stops beeping. The teacher promptly gave me a call and gave me the gist. I was horrified as to how very observant kids and they are always observing us and emulating our actions and behaviour.

A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will never have any true respect for anyone – Billy Graham