How to deal with your Child's seperation anxiety?

When babies are about 8 months old they understand that you leave them but they don’t understand that you will be back. They feel that they will be abandoned for life. They are unable to process the fact that if you go somewhere you will be back. In some cases this anxiety can get aggravated or just goes off as a phase.

Here are some tips on handling your child’s separation anxiety:

·        Don’t give in: If you are going away for a while, tell your child that you will be away but will be back. Hug and kiss your child but don’t give into the crying, otherwise it will make the separation process all the more difficult. Keep telling your child that you will be back. Tell her that you have put kisses in her pocket so that whenever she misses you she can take one kiss out. But if your child is too small to understand, leave them with something tangible to hold onto when they miss you.

·        Start small:  Begin with half an hour of separation and gradually increase the time.

·        Spending time with other care-givers: Let your child spend time with other care-givers in the house so that they get used to being away from you, little by little, for a while.

·        Give them a time-line: Give your child a time-line to follow. So if you will be away for the afternoon, tell your child that you will be back for after the afternoon nap. Or back after 3 days - say that you will be back after 3 sleeps.

·        Don’t break their trust: So if you have promised to pick them up after school or from the bus stop, be sure to be there. I remember when my son had to start going by bus, I was more worried than him if he would agree to get on to the bus, and I would make sure that I would always be there to pick him up, so as to build up that trust.

·        Follow a routine: Try and follow a routine with your child so that he or she shouldn’t get overwhelmed.

·        Act normal: When you are back don’t act like that you have reunited after ages; act calm and composed when you are back, so that it doesn’t make it difficult to part next time.

·        Don’t just vanish without saying good-bye: Let them know that you need to go and why it is important? Don’t surprise them so that they get anxious and just leave without telling him.

     The 'hug button' helps as well. Make a button with a pen on your hand and one on your child's hand, and whenever you are away or they miss you, tell them to press the 'hug button' on their hand. This give the child a sense of reassurance. Most often your child will say " mumma , when i missed you I pressed the hug button and i felt the tight hug from you and i was alright".  Similarly you ask your child " i felt a hug while i was away , was it you? did you press the hug button? " This is a tip I read online and it really works well.

The key is being persistent; some babies may take longer than others but surely they all realize that you aren’t leaving them forever. There have been numerous instances when my son was about 2 years old that I would put my son to bed and the grandparents are at home to baby sit and I have just stepped out of the house and probably just made it to the party that I really want to be at, that I get a call at home that he has woken up and needs you and I have rushed right back. Only to find that he was perfectly fine when I got back. It’s like he knew that mumma was going to party and how could I go without him? 

On the contrary if I am at home even  watching television and he is asleep besides me he won’t even wake up. So the first mistake I made was to rush back, if your child is not breastfeeding and is eating solids you don’t need to rush back. You speak to your child at home and say that his grandparents are with him and that mumma will be back as soon as he plays one game and has some milk. The second mistake was that you should always inform your child incase awake you have to go and will be back within the given time frame. If you always rush back unless of course it’s an emergency, you are not teaching your child to handle separation anxiety but only making it worse. 

You should also explain to the grandparents not to panic and relax, they were parents too and can handle the grandchild pretty well till you return. When my son joined play school I used to tell him that I would be sitting outside in the waiting area while he was in class , that really helped him cope. Even in big school I would tell him that I would be waiting for him in the library till he would finish and then I would come to get him. Till finally one day he told me he was a big boy now and I could go home and work on my book and not waste my time in the school library. Kids are full of surprises and every child and parent find their own amicable way of handling separation anxiety. I am not aware of any school going child who didn’t ever settle. They all eventually do. So just relax and take a deep breath.

After all this parenting I think I will be a hostage negotiator, it seems less stressful - anon