Helicoper parenting Vs Attachment Parenting

There is one end of the spectrum where you have parents who are neglectful and their primary care-givers for their children are their nannies, but a lot of harm is happening at the other end of the spectrum as well; we parents who are too involved in the lives of our children ensure that our children grow up ‘handicapped’ and are unable to make their own decisions and burn out before it is time for them to peak. These children are robbed of their childhood because the parents are so bothered about their grades and not the process and joy of learning; these children are deprived of playtime. 

Such parents hold their childrens' hands for everything during every step of the way, cushioning them from every stress these children may encounter, preventing them from making any mistakes. They grow up so overprotected from the real world that they can’t handle any stress and have a break-down early in life. These children, when they grow up to be adults keep waiting for a checklist to be given to them by their superiors at work but no such checklists exist. These children, when they grow up aren’t able to make any decisions on their own. 

They keep looking at their parents for approval and answers at every step of the way. These parents can be called 'helicopter parents', as they make all the decisions for their children, what subjects to take at school, what they should wear, who they should be friends with? Post-school they are going for art class, soccer class, subject classes etc and they have no time for free play or to just get bored. Boredom is important too, you learn a lot from getting bored, there is a lot of introspection which happens during that time, when children have time to be themselves. 

parents only look at their childrens' grades and achievements and the children keep seeking their love and approval and feel that their parents will love them only if they get good grades. These children don’t end up doing what makes them truly happy. These unfulfilled children, robbed of their childhood grow into unfulfilled adults. These children are high achievers in every aspect but clueless as to what they would want to do when they  pass out of their school, and probably with the rest of their lives !

We as parents need to do two things – firstly, give unconditional love to our children and secondly, teach them life skills – we need to teach them how to handle life. That’s what will make them successful adults. We need to teach them to be good compassionate human beings first. We need to capacitate them with life-skills and make them self-sufficient. 

They learn life-skills by doing age appropriate chores. Children should be allowed to make their own mistakes and learn from them; let them grow like wild flowers and let them find their own calling. Let them know that they did the task on their own and you weren’t breathing down their necks to help them. Thus, such children learn to take on and understand responsibility as well.

Attachment parenting is different from helicopter parenting; here the parents are there for their children whenever they need them. These parents co-sleep with their children and spend quality time with them but let them shape their own life. Let them choose what they want to study, what classes they want to take ! They don’t unduly pressurize their children. The bond between the parent and child is very strong; the parent is the child’s 'go-to' person.

 These children grow up emotionally stable with a true sense of self and remain independent. Attachment parenting promotes mutual sensitivity. Parents are able to take cues from the child as to what he or she wants and the child also senses the feelings and emotions that a parent is going through. This form of parenting provides a stimulating environment vis a vis the primary care-giver, and play activities that encourage decision-making and problem solving. 

These children are more trusting, feel more competent, grow better, feel right, act right, are better organized, learn language more easily, establish healthy independence, learn intimacy, learn to give and receive love. These children take initiative at their work place and know how to tackle stress.

 But there is a very fine line between attachment parenting and helicopter parenting. Parents who practice attachment parenting can have a tendency to become helicopter parents, but should try and refrain from doing so. We shouldn’t try and live vicariously through our children or try and achieve our unfinished goals in life through them. Let them chart their own future.

 We as parents are only a support system. Let them make their own age appropriate decisions. I let my four year old make his own age appropriate decision whether it is deciding what he wants to wear, what activity he would like to do post-school etc. I tell him about situations and people (fictitious and real) and ask him for his 'take' on it and what perspective he has on it. It’s important to empower our children, and let them make mistakes.

Everybody knows how to raise a child except the people who have them – P.J R’OURKE